Milestones

I made it to the big 30.  For most people this is no big deal but for me it is.  2 years ago I wasn't so sure I was gonna make it here.  Only by the grace of God, the surgeons, my team of doctors, and several friends who came out the woodwork, did I make it here.

     I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Dr. Lang did a beautiful job.  I got an xray of my skull yesterday, it is so cool looking.  I have these little round fasteners thingys on the place where they cut my skull for the operation.  4 of them, they look like little flowers.  Round with pins.  I could see clearly where he cut my skull and when I rub my head I can only feel the crack in one place.  When I cracked myself in the head with my car door 3 months ago it formed a lump.  I asked my doctor to feel the lump and she sent me for an xray.  From what I could see as she explained it to me, the door hit squarely on the crack in my skull which in turn healed but left a calcification on top of my head.  Great, I thought just what I need... another bump on my head.  HAHA

    My father sent me a card that said "What a millstone (Pun intended)"  I am sad to say I didn't get the joke.  I had to ask Fran.  Now I know that millstone means a significant mark in time, a round number.  I understand what it mean but cannot explain to anyone else accurately.  That is what radiation does.

   Anyway, I am going to lunch now (a salad) because Texas de Brazil tnt.
 
    
     

cancer and dreams

   So with the cancer and radiation damage comes memory loss and forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting birthdays here.  I am talking about how to do basic thing like tying shoes and turning on lights and such.  I even lost what comes after T in the ABC's.  It really makes me feel like dumb ass.  I repeat things over and over again and no one has the heart to tell me, "you said that already."  It is good they don't because that would embarrass me to the core.  I am eternally grateful.  I have twitches now, more persistent than they were before the surgery.  Blah blah blah I want some cheese with my whine.  I am still here and other people are not, so that makes me one of the lucky ones right?  I am still fumbling around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  If I can't even help myself right now there is no way that I can help anyone else.   

Last night I had a dream about a person from my past.  She changed my life for the better.  She told me if a child has a horrible childhood it only takes one person to reach out and save them.  She was the one person who told me I had some awesome strength, I took that to mean I can freely get out of any situation and get through anything.  The thing that she said to me the most was You CAN do it.  One time she wrote me an email and the bulk of it was you can do it over and over again,  then if you ever think you can't just remember YOU CAN DO IT!!!
  I loved her like a mother but I had to her behind because my path of life took me a different place.  She was the one that told me Life can take you unexpected places.  After I left she said I was dead to her.  That shattered me.  I was hurt for a LONG time and I just started to heal, then I had a Dream about her in the dream I told her I was sorry for leaving her, not the situation but HER.  I asked her if she would ever move to Texas, she said that she couldn't because of all the storms.  I said they never hit us in Dallas.  I don't know why but she touched my soul. 
     She was there when I had no one in the world.  I still love her and always will.

Searching for people and strength

I have been searching for people from my high school on Facebook.  Graham Cooke who is Canadian and would be about 29 or 30 today, K.C. Fellows (Kelly Christian) again my age.   Kyle W who was a gaming buddy.

      But I guess God lets people drift through our lives when we need them and out when we have learned everything we can from them.  He leaves it to our free will, but helps us heal when we leave a bad or poisonous relationship.  Most of the people you meet that have a profound impact on your life, you will never see again.  I know for a fact that I will never see Hope again, she saved my life once, at 11 I came very close to drowning in a river that we were tubing in A guy saved me by swimming under the water in the rushing current and yanking me up because I was about to get caught under a log. Which would have meant a certain death.  I can't even remember his name, and I owe him my life.    I have been saved from death so many times and then I saved myself.  But I don't consider myself very lucky or unlucky or even exceptional.  I think it is normal for this fragile life to almost be taken away from us and for people to haul us back from the brink. 

    I like to believe that death will stop trying to take me for a little while.  Because I am proving to be a tough cookie.