have you seen the news?

I have been watching MSNBC all day.  Cairo is in chaos.  Read your bibles people.  Think of the wild weather coupled with the uprising, famine, flooding.
  How would we react if that happened here? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE

Feeling all better

So my last blog reeked of depression.  Well this one will not be that way. 

     I am now going to explain why I and every other cancer patient may dip into a depression when finding out the GREAT news.  My MRI came back for the third time showing stability and just a few single dormant cells.  Now for the last year and a half I was convinced that my life was going to be declining into oblivion and I would be gone in 5-7 years.  Those are the stats and still are but due to the steady hands of Dr. Fredrick Lang Chief of Neurosurgery at M.D. Anderson, the skill of Dr. Nedzi's pinpoint radiation treatment, and the unending patience of Dr. Fink and her entire staff; the tumor has been reduced to just a few dormant cells.
     That means that as long as they don't wake up and barring an accident I have no time limit on my life anymore!!!  But the fact is that when we come to grips with our own mortality it is an incredibly humbling realization and a MAJOR change of the way you live your life.  Then  you have another Major change back to the way things were but you have already made the changes. 

     Now the horses are saving my life, yet again.  I am trying to learn all about the tack and the fine tuning of the gorgeous horse.  All I have ever known is how to abuse horses by being on the track and working for a trainer that saw horses as just a commodity.  Sarah Hamilton started to teach me the right, gentle way to handle them. But I was so high strung that I scared them.  Until I had the surgery I did not realize how high strung I was, and I gotta tell you calmer is way better.  Now I spoil the horses and give them lots of love and attention and they give it back ten fold.  I am working with English and Western tack.  English first then western.  In the summer I am going to take a riding class.  I am thrilled about starting on the right track to become an instructor.  But I have to be a master rider and master on tack before I can instruct others.  I have never been very good at the canter or lope. 

     On Saturday we are leaving the country to go to Turks and Caicos for my sisters wedding.  However, it is the first vacation as a married couple.  We are both extremely excited, no phones, no doctors, no worries except how much sunscreen to put on and what book to read. 

Until next time...

will someone please give me the directions?

ok so by now we all know that life doesn't come with directions.  But then again I think maybe it should.  That way when you get thrown a curve ball (in my case cancer) you will know exactly what to do and how to do it.  My situation is when I was diagnosed I had to stop working because the headaches were so tremendous.  Now that I am 2 months away from the end of the chemo I have to start thinking about a job.  GREAT!!! I mean when I was at my old job the economy had just started going in the crapper, now I am only suited for working in retail or food industry. When I think to myself  WHAT THE HELL DID I SPEND $60000 on that flimsy degree for if I can't use it?  This is the epitome of "life is unfair"   I can't stop myself from crying.

I mean I REALLY REALLY enjoyed my job.  I was one of the lucky ones I had a job I enjoyed and to top it off I was good at it.  Then my dumbass brain had to go get cancer. Now the cancer is dormant and my job opportunities are dead. The economy is not going to rebound any time soon.  Some people have called their cancer an opportunity or the first day of the rest of their life.  Well I want some of what they are smoking.  Yes I am bitter. But I have damn good reason to be bitter, not to mention pissed off.

I really think that life should come with directions.

holy moly

So there is a new Starbucks size: Trenta.  You can get an iced drink in 900 ml whch is the avg capacity of the human stomach.  My goodness we are already the fattest, most overindulgent, most wasteful country in the world; what is next?

I am one step closer to my dream of working with kids at risk with horses.  I think I found my niche.  YAY for me.  I will still volunteer at Windmill Stables but I will additionally volunteer at Equest.


*****DISCLAIMER*****
The views and opinions expressed here in No way reflect those of the Equest Therapy Center

If you are not outraged you are not paying attantion

Ok folks I am going to warn you up front: this is going to be a LONG blog.  So if you are truly invested bookmark it.

With all that is going on in the world a single person feels helpless to do anything to change the way of the world.  Because I am one of these truly helpless, hopeless feeling people I am pouring all my feelings out in this blog.  So here goes:
Case 1:  Natural disasters
So it seems the apocalypse is upon us, that or mother nature is just really pissed.  Or maybe and most probably it is the FACT that we have sucked the ozone out and there is little to no protection from the extreme rays of the sun.  Not to mention wasting all of our resources on petty things not thinking about the lives of our grandchildren.  We give such little thought to why we are bringing even more people into an already overpopulated planet then we leave them no means to survive.  We are, to put it lightly beating the snot out of mother earth the way some careless person would drive a horse to run to its death.

Case 2:  The way we treat each other
This subject really burns my toast.  We have assasinated EVERYONE that has ever told us to get along and treat each other fairly.  Case and point Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, JFK, Ghandi, Jesus, John Lennon, yitzhak rabin (if you don't know that one wikipedia him), Anwar Sadat.  I recommend wikipedia the last 2, their stories are they were warriors who came to know the value of peace.   Most of you are probably thinking Shouldn't Jesus Christ be first,  well no, not because he was the first to preach fairness but because  Jesus stood for equality of HUMAN KIND. The others preached just the same yet we kill them like they are evil. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anwar_El_Sadat
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yitzhak_Rabin

Case 3: The SORRY state of healthcare
   I can say this because I have brain cancer.  If I did not have health insurance I would be DEAD.  End of story.  So why am I so much better than the destitute people who cannot afford operations and healthcare.  I AM NO BETTER than them.  Neither are you.  I know that is harsh to hear but how can you put a price on a life?  The insurance companies think "out of sight, out of mind"  well to them I say may you be blessed with perfect health for the rest of your life.  Pray that your children don't get sick with a pre-existing condition and you don't have to deny them care.  If they were  in the families of these people that cannot afford healthcare don't you think they'd change their tune?  If I could give my health insurance to some child that will make a difference I would in a heartbeat.  I am not going to make any difference to anyone.  But a child can and will.  But without health care they are going to die,  and nobody gives a damn.  Because if it doesn't affect you directly and you don't have to see it or hear about it you just don't care.
     I used to believe that people are inherently good and kind, now I still believe that but only for newborns.  Then we learn about the world and become the jaded folks that we are. 

Case 4: Our government
    Don't the people in washington EVER get tired of just bickering?  When Obama says ANYTHING the other side has to dispute it.  It happens every time.  Obama has had some GREAT ideas and the other side has said no.  But when they get in control they will bring it back up, claim the idea as their own and get it passed.  This is not about politics, because we see this every cycle. 

                           I will get of my soapbox now before someone comes and kicks me off.

So, in other news:  we decided to join our church this morning.  Which brings me to another point (oh crap here she goes again...)  I know we are all imperfect,  But where does one get off going to church and then going straight back to oh I don't know I will pick something extreme... Going to church then going from church and the next day Robbing a bank?  HUH??? Why go at all?
But I guess forgiveness is key we have to forgive others and ourselves.  I learned that from Cowboy (Benton Nelson)  God rest him.  I find it is hardest to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others.  27 years of extreme living in sin I wonder if that can be forgiven,  I know it can but I also know I don't deserve it in any way.  I am trying to rectify it by being overly generous and nice now but I know that doesn't make up for it.  I can never do anything to make up for the life I have led and the pain I have caused.  Everyone tells me I am too hard on myself, I think I am not hard enough. 


My next MRI is next Monday I always expect the worst and secretly hope for the best so I will not be disappointed.   But if any of them are gonna show growth it will be this one, I just know it. 

  On a happier note:  The horses are keeping me very chill and happily calm. When I am upset I go to the horses.  They can sense it and will do anything to make you feel better.  Case and Point:  I went to the barn and when I arrived I got upset.  Upon walking into the barn (going to dearaz bc she is the one I go to when I need cheering up) Odie  stuck his head out as far as he could just to get my attention.  As if to say "what's wrong?  You are usually so happy here, can I help?"  Needless to say this small gesture made me feel worlds better and my anger melted away like snow on a warm day.

Okay now I have hit my word quota for today.  Feel free to leave comments.

new year new Memories

Hello folks,
     As most of you know 2011 is upon us,  those that don't I will buy you a calendar.  Any way it was a REALLY rough year for Mike and me, but the main thing to remember is we got through the mess with our sanity intact.  YAYYYY!
     So, last MRI showed that the scar tissue has shrunk some which is a super positive.  I give credit to the horses.  After the memorial today I went to the stables for about 2 hours and Olivia and John helped me groom Dearaz and Odie.  Dearaz was first because she was Very dirty from laying down in the mud to cool off.  I picked the front hooves and brushed manes and tails. Dearaz took about an hour to fully groom and loved every minute of it, Odie just needed to be brushed off.    Olivia is very knowledgeable about horses, I was impressed.  The horses never fail to put me in good spirits...ever.  Every time I leave I have a giant smile on my face and I am calmer for the rest of the day.

     I lost a friend on the 26th.  He was someone that I had known only a short time but he had a PROFOUND impact on me and my attitude.  I knew him by the name Cowboy.  He had throat cancer 10 years ago, treated with a shot gun blast of radiation to the throat which killed the cancer but then he passed from radiation poisoning.  I suspect that he was in unimaginable pain every day but he never complained and he never stopped smiling.  He was what I aspire to be.  If you knew him you were crazy lucky to have him in your life.  I know I will NEVER forget him. 

     At the memorial today I went to his mother to tell her what an inspiration he was to me and after I told her she looked at me and said, "Oh you must be Andrea."  I was so flattered that he spoke of me that I had to sit down. The memorial service was BEAUTIFUL and touching and PACKED.  He went to a biker church and they did a 21 bike salute.  His bike was his baby so I know he enjoyed that.

      Well Benton "Cowboy" Nelson here's to you!!!! Enjoy your cornbread and milk at the Lords table.  God forbid he is in a heaven without Harleys.  We all love you and you will be missed. I hope to see your smile when I get to where you are.