Wednesday, November 24, 2010

one year anniversary

When I tink of this day last year I shudder.  I did not know for certain that I would make it through the day.  Looking back I now see how brave I was.  Going into that surgery with uncertain out come and uncertain that I would be alive after.  There was a possibility that I would die on the table.

THANK GOD I did not die.  I truly believe that had it not been for all the prayers,  my outcome would have been drastically different.  Yet here I am one year to the day later back to normal for everyone that doesn't live with me.  Looking back I don't know how or were I summoned the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you so much!! You are the reason I am alive, You and your prayers and YOUR faith.  I had none sure I cast a few pleading last ditch prayers of my own but I did not believe they were heard.  Apparently Valerie Spratlin was right I have a higher purpose.  I do not know what that is but I am determined to find out. 


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

praying that she stays asleep

So my situation is different from most people in my tumorland.  Every case is unique and every tumor has chance of recurrence; but is my fear really justified?  Someone always tells me "don't borrow trouble".  I don't think I am borrowing trouble by being afraid.  I am scared $@%#less because unlike other people that have had their tumors completely resected and are in in full remission (I.E. no trace of tumor cells) snarla is just asleep.  Everyday I think "Will I be alive this time next year?".  I cannot help it and if you haven't been in this situation before you cannot begin to understand what that is like.  Don't get me wrong, you can and do empathize and for that I grateful. 
     However everytime you get a headache you don't think about the life threatening thing that is just dormant in you brain waiting to strike.  IF I die naturally it will be from brain cancer.  I have no illusions and I know that later today I could get hit by a bus. DUH.  I wish people would just STOP telling me that as if it is going to make me feel better.  I am Fully aware of just how fragile and precious life is.  I studied it, I have worked with hospice and I have also worked with old people,  as matter of fact I have ALWAYS worked with dying people.  I used to want to open a funeral parlor.  I am not morbid I was just over exposed to death in my developing stages.
Now I have cancer that will kill me if given the chance.   I don't want to dabble in coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I no longer no how to grab life by the horns.  I have lost a bit of myself to her (Snarla).  They told me I would only get back 90% of who I was before.  They were right and the things I lost were the things I did not need.  That is how to deal with this so I don't go insane. But I am noticing other things that were lost, history, names of historical figures, geography.  They say that the one thing that can never be stripped from you is your knowledge I am living proof that is a false statement.  Everything that you have, everything that you are CAN be taken away.
 I am NOT strong, none of us are; we just do like you, just trying to cope with this.  I am still figuring out how.
By rereading this blog it looks and sounds like I am begging for sympathy, when what I am actually saying is just give me ideas on how to cope.  Help me. I will be strong of spirit again and I am working on being physically strong again as well.

But if life doesn't challenge you, you are doing it wrong.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The amazing walk

So yesterday was an emotional day for us.  We went to the brain tumor walk.  To all of you that donated Team AJG raised a whopping sum of over $2000.  Thank you so much for your support I could not keep on going if it weren't for all the dear precious people that are there for me day or night, not to mention the prayers.
So yesterday was amazing to see all the people that got up early and braved the frigid temps just to support us.  It was stunning when all of us went up to the front and got our picture taken I was looking out into the crowd (which was massive 2000 strong at least)  I was overwhelmed with such emotion that I could not talk about it without starting to cry.  I was speechless and still am speechless. The support and will to live is so strong in all of us.  And we would not be alive without YOU.  So the next time you think of a cancer patient as an inspiration Please take a look in the mirror. Without your support we would definitely be dead.  So give yourself credit.