Monday, April 26, 2010

Dave Matthews Band eery how correct

Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass, and the children play
Siren’s passing, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out
On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down
And that war song is playing, “why can’t we be friends?”
Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
Somebody’s going hungry and someone else is eating out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss
Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish
A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor
You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach
Is there someone up there looking down on me?
Boy chase a bird, so close but every time
He’ll never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s broken heart becomes your favorite song
Funny the way it is, if you think about it
A kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

how I became what I am now

If you told me 5 yrs ago that I would be marrired with A life threatening illness and that I would have undergone an AWAKE craniotomy.   I....well quite simply I would be afraid of you.


Used to work for the Department of Aging and Disability Services.  Started tripping more and falling down in fact it got to where I would fall everyday.  But it was the extreme nausea and the vomiting in the midmorning that made me go to the doctor.  Sharon had sent me home.

I confessed to the doc that my head was constantly hurting and it was just something I had learned to live with.  That caused him to order an MRI. Due to the fact that maternal Grandmother and Maternal cousin have brain cancer. ches and I have anaplstic astrocytoma, his is on the right, mine is on the left both of us it is in our frontal lobe.  Grandmama opted to have surgery to remove her GBM (on the left side) to extend her life a measley few months.  What can I say I want quality (I'll be a bigger burden if I get paralyzed in my right side) Not quantity and the only reason I did the surgery is because Dr. Fredrick Lang was a smooth talker and a quality surgeon. Now My brain has fully switched from left to right.  and now I am tapping into my creative side.

Let the de-crisping process continue

Natasha Bedingfield

"Happy"

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlords Knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man,
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

[Chorus:]
Someone just tell me
That it’s ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight

And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

Someone please say...

[Chorus]

Any day ill go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if Id be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beatis hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now...what are you worrying about...

[Chorus]

Keep your grind on girl...it’s your love, it’s your world... [Repeat 2x]

[Chorus]

Saturday, April 24, 2010

why is cancer a 4 letter word? I mean it has6 letters

from birth we are all immediately start dying.  so when you get a debilitating such as I have you contemplate alot of things.
1 I have NO regrets
2 going int this with a positive attitude
3 drs assure me......

what do they assure me of? in addition to Keppra they put me on Lamictal.  the pain isn't too terribly bad...of course I have just taken a half a valium so I block out the parts that are to painfull.  some require one coat of forget other things (Seizure)  I don't think I will ever totally forget but it is taking more coats than moms death.  Of course I was a 5-6 yr old then and now I am 28 suffering from cancer..not just any cancer I have the uber deadly left frontal lobe tumor.  at least when ches found out it was like thank god it is not on his left side.

My question is when do you stop fighting and just give in.  thoughts of death especially with the leigh tragedy.  I can definately PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT TAKE MY LIFE that is the ultimate selfish gesture.  I see it as you giving the finger to evryone that cares for you.  And NO I don't want to do that.

I am thankful for those of you that take time to read my ramblings.  

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

2 Leigh Norred Pope R I P

murdered by her own brother.  leaving behind a 3week old baby and a husband.   How could someone do that?
THATS WRONG!!!!!!!!!
But alas if not for grief stricken when else do we talk to that chick we used to know from high school?  Or that person you met right at the end of college or those relationships that were too tedious to keep up with?  Yes when they die all the coulda, woulda, shoulda, comes out.  but its not the why ytou should be worried about.   death is the ultimate peace. She is watching over baby haley just like a mother should this means that baby Haley is going to have a blessed life.  Everything thing that happens there IS a reason.  why didn't this happen before leigh had haley?? why now? why was this child robbed of her birth mother?  this child is going to have rough go but she will change the world.
Blessed be. Be at rest Leigh Norred Pope.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Definition of a BAD Neighbor

Ok so we have these neighbors that leave their yippie little dogs outside all day and don't bring them in until 11 at night.  Our neighbor accused us of being the creator or holder of these ROTTEN dogs.  But I raised sasha and Indy better than that.  The only time they will bark is if they are meeting a brand new person or on their walk or in petsmart.  In the house and in the backyard a stern look from me and perhaps one NO.  they DON"T bark.

However in our neighbors case that is not so.  WHY ON EARTH DO YOU OWN DOGS IN A PLACE WHERE THERE IS NO BACKYARD.  THEN LEAVE YOUR DOGS OUTSIDE ALL DAY AND NIGHT.  Warning: the rest of us (without noisy flippin yippy dogs) are filing a formal complaint.  And since you don't read this I hope your dogs get you kicked out.  
I am ripping angry because my neighbor flat out accused indy and sasha of being noisy in the back at 130......well lady unless they teleported out of their kennels and then back in before we got home at 2. Freaking LIAR.  She has had it out for  sasha since we got her.


Helpful tip for accusing your neaighbor and getting away with it.
1) Make sure they are at home when you are going to SAY you heard their dog barking.

I haven't gotten that upset in months.  Cross me or MIke shame on you but cross our dogs and I will go nutso.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

in my head ther is a monster waiting to attack again (to the tune of cranberries 'In your head')

So Mike and I talked it over and as my brain cools from the burning and is adjusting to the poison we speculate that I am at 70/100% 
Dr N told me I was at 80%. but that was before the radiation.  I get to have a neuropsych evaluation to see if (well I'll put it bluntly) I am brain damaged and deficient for life and what I need to work on as far as speech therapy, OT & PT.

Anyway I just can't get enough of that rabbits  .....  filter.....
Paul told me to be friends with the nausea.  Eat stuff that tastes just as good coming back up as it does goin down.  He recommended gummy bears.  Even though I haven't vomited I have heard that oral chemo in some ways makes you as sick if not sicker than IV chemo.  Hell,  IT'S POISON PEOPLE.  Wouldn"t that be messed up if it didn't make you sick.  That would mean its not working or you got a bad batch.  Anyway my point is they are having me swallow a poison pill for 12 weeks of of the year.  That is 60 doses.

Oh yeah one more thing you can absolutely look forward to after you have a craniotomy and have a titanium plate put in your head,  YOU WILL HEAR RANDOM CLICKING FOR THE REST OF NATURAL LIFE.

So I am trying to come to terms that my life will NEVER be the same now that I am deficient. Mike lovingly said I had slowed down.  Physically yes but my mind still goes fast.  If my mind gets too far ahead of my mouth the words get jammed up in my throat and I stutter/splutter them out.  This has produced a severe stutter like the one I had when I had the first seizures. ALso It is how I talked right after mom died.  Went to speech therapy for that as well so Theresa could tell that i had training evn though I cannot remember it.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

whew!!! deep breath, steady...be friends with the naseau

Well Folks,
I forgot to take my meds last night until mike woke up and asked if I was alright, he said I had been tremoring for the last 10 minutes,  I don't know what that means but I told him as best I could to get my meds as I had forgotten to take them.  He ran downstairs and got them then helped me up it was a a considerable effort on both parties as I was weak and was holding meds.
I felt like I was on the verge of a grand Mal seizure. Because my pulse was fast and I was having significant trouble speaking.
Anyway I couldn't stop tremoring so I took a bath.....NOT A GOOD IDEA.  I regained my senses and got out of the tub and went into the guest bedroom All I could think was I was cold, so I cut the heat down.
I am getting nauseous more often. I think I talked to Ches & Beth yesterday.


"That's all I Got how'd you like that" (Kelli Rasberry; of the Kidd Kraddick Morning show)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

ain't insomnia grand

Holy bleeeeeeep I am Sick of not being able to sleep for more than like 2-4 hours at one time.
Which doesn't have a segeway to the fact that I asked to let my dogs out in the park up the street.  He said KIDS are not allowed in here.  I am going to rake it and weed it It has some weird spiky weed I think it lodges itself pretty deep like onions.
For this I need gardening gloves and basically a  gardening start up kit.