wish I were...

So granbetty died this am quietly. I felt a presence I shooed it away then mike told me the news. I of course cried. Then it came back and I knew it was Betty she and Grandaddy love me so much. I am honored that she came to me one of her husbands grandchildren shortly after she joined the spirit world. I wonder what that means. Mike offered me a valium and i said no. I wrote the family my regrets about not being able to attend the funeral it is in Trion Georgia. I look like dog poop. dark circles under my puffy eyes and I can't stop crying then crying turns to screaming and screaming doubles back and I start weeping. it is viscous cycle. I wanted mike to meet them grandaddy and betty. oh god now that she is gone he is sure to follow..soon. I have cancer and I cannot travel at all I want him to hold on until mike and I can travel. But that is selfish of me he is in absolute 10 on the pain scale 100% of the time. So really I wish he would just let go. Now that she is gone I bet he will let go. I knew this would happen not being able to go to the funeral(s). I love you Grandaddy!! I love you Betty!!! A bit late but she knew, I know she did.

sad day

I just found out that grandbetty died.

schedule... doctors doctors and more doctors

Hi all,

Just a quick update since Andrea has seen her radiologist and her neurologist.

First, radiation therapy looks set to start January 11th at UT-Southwestern. These sessions will happen Monday through Friday from 7:30 am to 8:30 am. There will be a dry run on January 8th. The timing is really good since I can take her and bring her back before work I go to work.

Andrea will continue doing her physical, speech and occupational therapy sessions at Baylor in Plano. Based on previous scheduling, these sessions will be done from 1 pm to 4 pm two to three times a week.

The main physician for treatment has now switched to Dr. Steven Gerhardt of Neurology Consultants of Dallas. She had her first appopintment today and it went well.

Andrea received her first disability check (thank you Alicia). So that is going to help.

And that is basically it. If there are any questions, sms, email or call me. Thanks.

surviving christmas....

well i will be brief so you can get back to whatever you were doing. mri on 12/23/09 THE SPOT IS GONE!!!! I survived without drinking and more importantly so did they. Mike went a bit overboard with the wine last night and went to bed drunk on wine. He woke up HUNGOVER to beat the band then we got in the car with the dogs and left. I won't bore you with the details but an ambulance was called and Santa helped us bc my pain hit a full on 10 and mike could not drive due to his prior inebriation... fun times... Sasha wouldn't stop barking her shrill little bark at the EMTs. The end is the dogs prevented us from going to the ER.

tinker bell

watching tinker bell. Indy ate my puzzle and Amy called me and told me what I already know "you are not brain damaged" she said. i know that i am not brain damaged, but snarla being taken out has cost me my explanation ability. I cant get my point across fast enough the words wont come out fast enough and that leads to misunderstandings people that mean well will interrupt me and I lose the thought. All I can say when that happens is, "I don't know" And, "No no no no". It is like a train running off course and ending up in a heap in the ditch all tangled up. That is what happens to my words and all i can do is write them down to untangle them.

bad day "take infinity"

Today is a bad day I woke up last night with severe nausau and woke up this morning with a headache to beat the band. Plus I lost my balance when I tried to stand up. Called for Mike and he helped me get dressed, watched me go to the bathroom and instructed me through the process of washing my hands. Then he helped me downstairs he is now making my breakfast. Damn I've got what every girl dreams about and what evry being dreads. A devoted husband and cancer.

ergonomics (not what this is about)

ergonomics is, well i don"t know what it is. so there..

So I went to speech therapy yesterday and theresa took me to the E.R. we called dr. Langs nurse of course and she recommended that I go. I did not want to go because my childhood fear of needles is coming back. on the flip side i had a seizure and fell asleep. I took tylenol extra strength and the nurse gave me 6mg of morphine. (not at the same time) about 6 hrs later i was released. I know it was a seizure bc the ants crawled across my upper lip and my left side went numb and then i fell asleep. mike said he didn't notice anything wonky with me but what does he know he is just my husband...wait, that gives him some credibility right there.


The words are rushing like water in a full tub running over the sides and down to the floor.

i found a doc that I REALLY like today. His name is dr. nedzi and he is my oncologist in charge of my radiation. He did not indulge me when i asked, "how long do i have" nor did he say yes when I asked, "Am I brain damaged?" He simply said, "Well no one can tell you 'how long you have" and, "well, you are certainly not normal." Then he asked us if we know the stats (which we do) I think it was polite of him to offer that information and I said "NO".

So put that in your pipe and smoke it!!

left items

They left Stephens cane and our Neice and nephews presents. They wouldn't take our gifts they gave us even though we didn't want them. Now we have to mail the gifts which is a luxery we cannot afford. postage is crap and stephens cane is needing a box for it to go in. That will cost a couple bucks as well as postage. bow tied around the cane do you think he deserves it?
The only reason I ask is Because HIS WIFE not him BUT HIS WIFE put the cane in the closet behind some coats where I would not have found it. But I did...

snarla size

4.0 x 3.5 x 1.5 cm that was snarla. Dad said it was a grapefruit squished under the tire of his car. That is what it was with the tendrils smashed out.

god night and good luck

I looked Marriane in the eye and said "fuck you" and then they left. Mike changed his tune from plz stay to you are no longer welcome in this house and it is all bc of me. Me and my damn broken brain mouth filter.
She (marrianne) looked me in the eye and said, "thats right act like a lady for once."

Theresa I'm sorry. I've gotten myself into a fine mess. And I will get myself out of it. I just need a few days peace and quiet. w/out incessant chattering. Nervous or not.
Stephen comprehends what the frontal lobe controls but he doesn't "get it" what it means to have someone digging around up in there for a chunk spoiled brain.

I am now waiting for the depression to set in I know it is coming lurking around the corner like some bad dream. My family is set up for support but they don't understand the implications of brain damage I Am living it no brain mouth filter when I get angry.

I pissed them off too much for them to stay. just like i did when i was young and dad gave me to beth and she gave me back saying i was just to much. i wear on people and that is a fact. We asked them to stay for mike and they said no. Well that is 1 down.

Handi ride: here i come.

going going gone...

well the 'Rents are leaving tommorrow. I guess i was just too much for them, they realize what they are sticking mike with AND they know but don't understand the brain damage to my frontal lobe hell, i know and don't understand. I never figured them to be the "cut bait and run" SOrt of people. I guess they will be satellite support from now on. I mean they really shouldn't have come this early but I and my family are glad they did. The bad thing is they drove and now they have to drive back. Flight would be easier. They were going to stay for the long haul until 12/26. well that didn't happen
Stephen alluded to being here under threat of leaving mike elected not to do that period. Stephen said "can i grab her?" As if I weren't there in the room. I was heartily offended.
The other thing that offended me today was a physical therapist we were playing jenga you know the game with the block tower and he said, "when you play with "normal" people?" I know i have a traumatic brain injury but come on folks.
1. don't talk about the person as if they are not there

extroverted thoughts

OKay, well I thought it was just one day but now it has morphed into 2. even the dogs don't want to be with me I am hungry but it keeps coming out of my mouth no I am not hungry. All i have to vocalize is yes I am hungry. My tummy hurts and it is scratchy and empty.
i found some donettes in my room. those are frosted doughnuts mini's. I am getting fat.
I am watching tried and true dvds Of "Friends"
I finally communicated I am hungry to marrianne my mother in law

depression

Depression is a funny de pression when you break it down to the final little bits it really eats you up. I am depressed I have cancer it is normal to be depressed and scared but is it normal to be THIS depressed and scared?

It finaly started sinking in about 10 minutes ago I know I know can a girl get a break? It will sink in over the next few days and months and years. I know I know we have already lost several of our so called "friends" Jeff lisa Andrew Blake Yes I am calling you out Billy annie edo all of my poker buddies

By the way all of you are clamoring to know what you can do? Come get me out of this house away from the in laws they need a break from me just as much as i need a break from them.

Take me to a movie and excuse the appetite, and new do and the way i talk, it is slow at best noncomunicating at worst I find when i see people I haven't seen in long time my speech takes a while to come back. but I am pushing harder than ever.

They say Have a spot on my mri that wasn't there presurgery but was there post op. the docs don't have any idea what it is. it may be anyone of three things
1 inflammation 2 may have a stroke 3 this is unlikely, tumor

uphill downhill is there a big difference/

Okay, snarla has been identified Grade 3 ansplastic astrocytoma size of a grapefruit. Sorry ches I win.
I had an awake craniotomy during which I remember nothing Except calling my husband and wishing i werent't there. Wishing i could be asleep at home asleep at home.

i won't make it thru this chemo and radiation will not kill me if the tumor comes acallin' And i am not battle ready. lets get that game face on shall we?

steaming pile of bat dung...

today I feel like a steaming pile of bat dung. Though i don't know how it feels to be flown around inside the colon of a bat. My husband assures me I am not A steaming pile of bat dung. I am beautiful. Inside and out. Even with the rockin Sinead O'Conner look.

That's cancer for you, One day dung next day done never "WHY ME?"

physical therapy today Occupational therapy today Speech therapy today. There has got to be reason I got that job just so i could see how they do it. As Chip C. says, "it is what it is."

second new blog

ok so mike 'rents are in town. now that is out of the way. probably best for me to start blogging again. even though i don't remember how and it takes me an obscene amt of time to blog one word. words are there and then they are gone just like my cousin ches said. brain fatigue is rough though. Ok, now there is starting point I like it.

BRain fatigue I don't like it. It makes me feel dumbth (dumb to the nth power).
Al Franken wrote the book "Dumbth"

I get frustrated with myself when i cannot do it "it" being all the things I did before. I have the godfather track running through my head.

Speech therapy ocupational therapy rehab is on agenda on tuesday. You never know how good you have it until someone takes it away.

on that note I will close.

I bid you all adeiu. Til next time folks.

newblog

hunt and peck isback. k there is not much ican say exept umm way yay
!!! i am listening to Blue october Sound of pulling heaven down

I'm a Slacker or I've been really busy. Depends on your perspective.

Ok. I have not been able to update this once a day as I hoped. I can say that Andrea is now back home. She will be starting Physical, Speech and Occupational rehabilitation on an outpatient basis on Tuesday.

I'll update more when I'm not working.

haer nadgood

I' m ehehre Ima goOd

Day Seven: Going Home

We are going home today. However, getting discharged out of here is taking very long. Andrea is getting stir crazy and so am I. She is now making a mess in this hospital room, which I'm going to clean up when we leave.

Anyway, we're scheduled for a Southwest flight at 1:30 and arriving at Love Field around 2:30. But it could change later.

Hopefully I, or Andrea, will be able to provide an update later today.